Hello,

My past story...
Like most of us, my life has never run smoothly. I have a loving family and my childhood was always busy. I was lucky as I was always undertaking different hobbies and travelled to some amazing places around the world. However, like most families, home was always up and down with the pressures my parents put on themselves to make their children’s lives better than their own. I experienced grief at a very young age (5 years old) when my mum’s father died, followed within weeks by her aunt. I witnessed the devastating affect this had on my nan, who lost her hearing though the shock. I still remember the energy vibes from that time, and it set the tone for how I managed grief in later years.

At the age of 12, I fell out with my best friend in the summer term prior to starting secondary school. Looking back, this was a huge loss at a key time in my life. It meant my first big life changing transition became a lonely process as I tried to fit in with others and make new friendships. This loss increased when, during that summer holiday, my paternal grandfather who had been my real rock and happy place as most grandparents are, passed away. I realise now as an adult how easily we can forget the important roles wider family members have on our children’s lives as well as our own. Unfortunately, back then there was no real awareness of the impact of grief on young children or adults so everyone coped in their own way. I was devastated, hurt and had not really healed from this loss when 12 months later, my aunt died from an asthma attack at the age of 28. I was full of anger, fear, guilt and all the other emotions associated with grief, and unconsciously held onto them for a very long time.

As I grew up, I began to associate life with a fear of hurt, loss and dying young. I became more anxious, hypervigilant, controlling of things around me and tried to shut down everything that was emotionally going on inside as it was becoming overwhelming. Hence, I developed OCD as way of coping. By early adulthood this illness eventually had me spending over 45 minutes trying to leave my house, checking every plug and lock over and over. I would lie to people about the reasons why I was late for work or socials. I felt stupid and had become so ashamed, yet I just couldn't stop. CBT would eventually help me manage and overcome my OCD.

Like most of my friends, I grew up focused on wanting to fulfil both society and my parents' desire for me to have a successful job and be financially secure. Yet no matter how hard I worked, nothing was making me feel happy and I felt more and more pressure. I never really settled at University and swapped courses to be closer to home. I moved in with my boyfriend at the age of 20 and like many young people back then, followed the world model of marriage, planning a family etc. For me at that time, I was also letting my inner child rule with the internalised belief my life was going to be cut short. Therefore, I had to tick off life's success criteria as soon as possible. Ironically, a week before our wedding that tick list suddenly came to a crashing halt. At the age of 24, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. 

My whole life plan changed at that moment. I subsequently lost the rest of my 20’s to fighting the disease and ultimately my marriage ended. I became even more impatient to live life before I died as everything I believed about my future as a child seemed to be coming true. After much soul searching, I took the huge decision to change careers. I became a teacher and moved away from the life I had created. This turned out to be one of the best decisions I made. I formed a friendship with one of my University lecturers who became my mentor and provider of the knowledge and understanding I now have on child development and education. 

Like my 20’s, my 30’s were a blur but for different reasons. I was on a hamster wheel, experimenting with who I was and what I wanted. I travelled and worked hard in my career. I progressed to becoming a senior teacher and even trained new teachers at University, yet I still couldn’t settle. I quit jobs to keep following my dreams but never saw them through. I self-sabotaged by pushing friends and relationships away which suited me as it fed my inner belief system. I came across as serious, couldn’t make my own decisions, would ruminate about things, looked to others to justify what was happening around me and to help me make decisions I didn't trust myself to make. What others said mattered more to me than my own inner voice and I always wondered if others questioned and judged why I could be so negative. To the outside world, I had a good job, my own home, close family and travelled the world, everything society says is what we should aim for. I had also survived my cancer. Yet inside I was having a constant internal emotional struggle. I felt empty of inner love, self-worth and security and knew the life I had was not making me happy. More than that, I was becoming crippled with survivors guilt for feeling that way.

In my late 30's, I met someone I fell deeply in love with and thought life was complete. For a time I slowed down, felt happy and peaceful. Sadly, in the end we sabotaged our life together as we both brought our past unsolved issues into the relationship. After finally thinking I had figured my life out, everything that I thought mattered to me had gone. I literally hit rock bottom. However, I should have known that life wouldn’t be that easy, and that the past is the past for a reason!