20 Years Later: Smiling Through the Mask

A Wedding Shadowed by Diagnosis

Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. Five days before that, at 24, I was diagnosed with breast cancer - a wedding “gift” nobody expected. We had chosen that date because it fell just after another significant anniversary for me: my grandfather’s death, my first real heartbreak. I thought marrying then would turn a sad week of memories into happy ones and help me release some of that grief. Ironically, it did the opposite.

The 'Smiling' Mask I Wore

I wore a mask that day: smiling, celebrating, acting out the happy new beginnings. Only a handful of people knew the truth. Inside, I was crumbling, battling between laughing and crying as I said my wedding vows. I didn’t know how much time I had left, and all I wanted was to be with those who mattered most.

Life’s Unseen Detour

Looking back, I see that week as my first real redirection - the universe nudging me onto a deeper journey. It was teaching me that control is often an illusion. No matter how hard we try to direct life or recreate what we once had, it will always remind us that we are not in charge. If we avoid its lessons, life has a way of finding other paths to place them in front of us.

The Growth You Don’t See Coming

That week changed both my life and the lives of those closest to me. I can only imagine what they endured in silence, including my ex-husband, and I am so grateful that he and I remain friends. Since that day, my path has been shaped by experiences I could never have predicted: grief, trauma, repeating patterns in relationships, friendships, and work. Each nudged me to turn inward, release the hurt and grief I carried since childhood, and dismantle the defences that once kept me safe but also kept me small. Along the way, I also let go of the OCD behaviours I had battled for years, something I never would have believed possible. In fact, it was my OCD that led to my cancer diagnosis… but that is another story.

Living Without the Mask

Twenty years later, I am not the same person I was on that wedding day. I honour the girl who smiled through pain, believing the mask was the only way to survive, because she got me here. Now, I live without that mask. Survivor’s guilt has softened, replaced by a clearer truth: honouring those I’ve met and lost along the way means living fully, embracing fear, and choosing gratitude, authenticity, and vulnerability. These qualities have made me stronger than I ever imagined. My hope is that anyone facing their own storm today knows you don’t have to wear the mask, and you don’t have to walk it alone.

With Gratitude

To everyone who has walked beside me through this journey - thank you. You’ve left your mark on every step of my path, including my ex-husband and immediate family, who silently wore the same mask alongside me and have their own stories to tell.